BECKY DIARIES: MEMORIES OF MY LOVE MOMENT

Love comes in various forms. Sometimes, it comes when you are not ready, and leaves when you need it most. But that is for those who really enjoy their relationships. That is why in most cases, it ends with sad moments.  This one is a mixed reaction story with a very rare ending, one that not most of you will relate to.

I meet this guy, head over heels, saying to myself, this could probably be the genesis of a new chapter of no blue mood. In combat with myself, I couldn’t accept it just yet; something so sweet and true. As skeptical as I am, that’s too good to be true. I have been hurt a thousand times that the opening of a new chapter seems to be another played by life’s tricks. I’m alert.

After some persistent expression of his feeling and professes of love, I finally gave in. Right in front of me, the guy of my dreams, the one who fits everywhere in my long list. The only problem was, I am older than him. ‘How old are you?’ ‘I am 20’ he says, and I am 22. He is young, something I have been against in relationship setting. ‘Age is just a number’, that’s what everyone says. But that ‘number’ causes a lot more than just problems, sometimes break-ups.

I found a love for me, which can’t be reached now.

Aside his age, he was a friend of a friend who loved me so much and has expressed in so many words but I don’t feel the same way and made things clear to him. I can’t come in between two friends. I thought I was doing the right thing but then realized that I could give myself a chance at happiness at least.

I have a fragile heart so am pretty much hard on guys, but this time, it was different.  My usual posture of shielding myself from getting hurt was overshadowed by the unimaginable chemistry that existed at the time. I felt it so strong. I couldn’t call it love then, yet I knew I was drowned in it. ‘I think about you all the time,’ ‘I can’t live without you’ and so many other clichés of lovers meant nothing to me till I met you. I foolishly and shyly smile thinking about you.

I defied all the wrong reasons and decided to be with you. Being pessimistic was one of things I wanted to avoid. I gave myself all the right reasons and even turned the wrongs to right because, I wanted to embrace happiness. Sadly, I was hit. Hit so hard that rising up became banter between me and myself. He was a liar and a cheat. He had a girlfriend all this while.

Surprised? Well if you are not, then you must be more experienced than I am. The pain and hurt, I couldn’t take.

‘You are never cheating until you are caught’, those were your words some time past. Realized now that it wasn’t one of your jokes; you meant those words and had no hesitation in pouring them out. Now I ask myself if you ever will regret what you did. Many signs prove you never will.

How could you give both girls so much attention? Well I don’t know if you gave your girlfriend much attention but for me, I couldn’t ask for more. You must be really good at this game.

This heartbreak is close to the hardest I have had.

When I subsequently probed if you had a girlfriend and you answered me sincerely, ‘yes’ and I liked that you didn’t lie. Your next step, I expected to be why you never told me, instead you were vehemently enquiring how I knew. Couldn’t you be selfless at least? The fact that someone’s feelings and hurt was on the line, wasn’t close to anything you cared about?

After ignoring his attempt to find out how I knew, his next words were ‘Silence is good too, but break it by telling me who told you, else expect nothing comparable to a reply from me’.

Really? How heartless could you be? ‘I’m out’.

You were sweet, loving, kind, intelligent, super funny and a great storyteller but dominating, honey.

Guess I was foolish and blind. Love really blinds its victims until the unexpected moment. You got me thinking real hard boy! This is harder than I imagined heartbreak would be. I have no justification to get mad, maybe if I had listened to my other self, I would have avoided this pain.

Getting over the pain hasn’t been easy, I have tried everything including mocking myself in front of the mirror as a way of putting that light back in me but guess what… I cried harder than ever. Everyday got sadder. I’m such a waste!

I don’t need an apology from you because I’ve already forgiven you. What I need is obliviousness to forget all the things that make me feel stupid. But there is nothing like that, is there? What I can do is express myself through words. We are now the closest strangers in the world.

You gave me something, and I have no idea what to call it. But it was the best lesson I have learnt as a growing woman. Our texts are now breakfast to me. I would read them over and over; you always knew the right thing to say. I will always remember you because you are too perfect to forget. And though I am hurt it’s okay because I met you; I couldn’t be more grateful for the lessons. I have realized that I went into you deeper than I thought.

The memories are well-heeled.